Dealing with anger
Grief has the potential to express itself through uninvited feelings of anger. A grief-stricken person can become raw and irritable. If unchecked it can begin to dominate a person’s life.
John said, “I never really felt the pain of anger until my son died. I was angry, I was mad, I was pissed off to the point that I felt like I was going insane. I kept asking for this feeling to go away and then I learned that it is all a part of grieving. I wasn't angry at anybody particular, I was just mad. I needed to deal with this anger before it continued to consume me.”
Samantha was angry at God. How dare He allow cancer to kill her brother! She decided to talk to her Pastor about feeling guilty about being angry at God. She replied by saying “That’s ok, He isn’t fazed by that.” The Pastor added that God hadn’t killed him, but that the cancer had. Samantha felt relieved, and her crisis of faith was short lived.
One family got into a fight about which wife their Dad, was to be buried with. The kids from the first marriage demanded he be buried with their mother, and the ones from his second marriage said he belonged next to their mother. Both parties were so angry with each other that they never spoke to each other ever again.
Feelings of anger after the loss of a loved one are perfectly normal. You are no less of a person if you feel upset and angry. It’s all part of the grieving process.
People sometimes say the stupidest things when trying to share their condolences. If someone says something you don’t appreciate, try not to take it to heart. They are either also grieving themselves, or they simply don’t know what to say.
Some have confessed that they were angry at themselves for not being more vigilant and not doing more.
Some people even get angry at the health professionals who were providing their loved one’s end-of-life care. Their anger may be directed at the emergency responders or someone else who was involved in their care.
The bereaved person is not really looking for people to blame for their loved one’s passing. They just need to express how they feel.
The danger lies when a person fails to deal with their anger. I’m sure you have met someone who has become very bitter because they have failed to process sadness in their lives. I recently read about a man whose son was killed by a rival gang member. He had said, “My whole being is consumed with fury – it’s not anger – its fury.” His fury will eat away on the inside and could ever usher in an early death if this man doesn’t get help.
In an article published in the New York Times, the author described an eighteen year study of hostility and its effects on health. The study found that those having a high hostility rate were five times more likely to have an early death than those with a low hostility rating.1
“Anger is a normal human emotion and when it is managed properly it is not a problem. Everyone gets angry, and mild anger can sometimes be useful to express strong feelings and deal with situations. However, if anger is expressed in harmful ways, or persists over a long period of time, then it can lead to problems in relationships at home and at work and can affect the overall quality of your life. Anger becomes a problem when it creates trouble for you with other people, your work, your health, day-to-day living or the law. Anger is also a problem when other people around you are frightened, hurt or feel they cannot talk to you or disagree with you in case you become angry.” 2
Some signs that anger is a problem are outlined here:
They feel angry a lot of the time.
People close to them are worried about their anger.
Anger is leading to problems with personal relationships.
Anger lasts for a long time, well after the triggering event.
Anger affects other situations not related to the original event.
They are becoming anxious or depressed about their anger.
They are using alcohol or other drugs to try to manage their anger.
Other people (friends, family, workmates etc.) express concern.
Anger needs to be vented. If you are feeling angry you will need to find safe ways to express these feelings.
Here are some ways to vent anger:
Express your anger by saying “I FEEL ANGRY!!!!!”
Talk to someone about your feelings.
Express your feelings by writing in a journal,
Write some poetry or a song.
Do some art.
Phone a friend or a helpline.
Go for a walk, run or workout at the gym.
Amelia wrote all the things down that she felt angry about, then ripped the paper up into bits and then burnt them.
Kevin purchased a whole lot of cheap china cups, sauces and plates, at an op shop and then drove to the tip and expressed his anger by smashing them one by one as he threw them into the rubbish pile.
Terry has a boxing bag in his garage. When he feels like he is bursting with rage, he takes it out on the boxing bag.
“Anger must be expressed along with other emotional responses in order for it finally to be put to rest. Anger must be resolved if we are ever to be at peace with the fact of our loved ones. Unexpressed anger leads to unresolved anger, which in turn leads to bitterness and sometimes depression. Bitterness is when a person's entire view of life is tainted and distorted. A bitter person is one who refuses to see the beauty and goodness and joy which, in spite of the tragedy of a death, still constitutes much of life. Indeed, the occasion of those qualities being restored in our life is a living tribute to the importance and lasting value of our ones' life.” - Unknown
Anger is a phase that many grieving people will have to work through, sometimes time and time again. It may rear its ugly head numerous times throughout their bereavement journey. If you have experienced anger, acknowledge it as a part of the process and find a way to express it.
1. New York Times December 13, 1990, http://www.webhealing.com/3anger.html