Working through remorse
Valerie had a strained relationship with her Dad after he’d married Mary. Things were never the same since ‘that woman’ had entered her life. Harsh words had been spoken and her Dad would get upset. But when her Dad passed away, she wished she hadn’t been so cruel.
Barry had not spoken to his sister for several years due to a family business venture that had gone terribly wrong. When he heard that she had passed away, he instantly regretted the rift and wished he’d had the courage to make things right while she was alive.
Since Glenys did not have a close and loving relationship with her Nana she couldn’t be bothered visiting her in the Nursing Home. Besides, her Nana had dementia, and didn’t even know who she was anyway. When her Nana passed away Glenys wished she had taken the time to get to know her Nana. Now it was too late and she felt really bad about not bothering to visit her.
All of these people felt regret over unresolved issues.
As the reality of your loved one’s passing starts to sink in, you may start experiencing feelings of remorse. You may wish you had been kinder, took more time to be with, and said “I love you” more often. Memories of past disagreements might replay in your mind bringing about feelings of deep remorse.
With every parting, there is usually some unfinished business. This can be very upsetting. A lot of people would like to have been able to say goodbye to a loved one, but not everyone has the opportunity to do so. This too is very distressing.
Some people think they are to blame for their loved ones death. This is often associated with suicide. They wonder why they didn’t see it coming. They wonder that perhaps they could have avoided it if they had been more aware. They even may ask themselves if they had somehow contributed towards it. They wish they had been more vigilant. They can’t understand why their loved one didn’t turn them to them for help. Why did he or she choose death over their love?
Some people ARE responsible for the death of another (i.e. being responsible for a fatal car accident, running over child, shooting a hunting buddy accidently, a child drowning while the caregiver was distracted etc.). This is a very distressing position to be in.
If you are carrying any blame or feeling guilty, I suggest you speak to a counsellor or psychologist. Research has shown that early intervention does indeed help.
Some people may have to deal with ‘survivor’s guilt’ which occurs when they have been involved in the same accident or disaster and they wonder why the other person (or people) passed away and they didn’t.
Genelle Guzman-McMillan was the last living survivor to be pulled out from the rubble of the World Trade Centre in 2001. Her closest friend and workmates had been crushed to death as the towers fell. Over and over again she asked the question, “Why me?” She says that she will keep searching for the answer for the rest of her life. This question often haunts survivors but it can also motive them to embrace their second chance at life and treasure every precious moment.1
It is most likely everyone who loses a loved one will experience some remorse to some degree. Therefore you’ll need to make peace with your past – the sooner, the better.
How to release remorse, regret and guilt:
Remember that in every human relationship there are good times and not-so-good times and that most people have regrets.
Offload to a pastor, chaplain, counsellor or friend.
You can even write a letter saying sorry and leave it at the grave or burn it if it contains sensitive content.
Do some ‘editing’, like a film producer would do when editing a film. Try to remove the unpleasant images from your mind.
Treasure the memories of the good times you had with their loved one. In doing so, you will soon find the painful regrets fading into the background.
1. Angel in the Rubble by Genelle Guzman-McMillan, Allen & Unwin 2011