Compassionate companioning
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, that is a friend indeed.”
- Henri Nouwen1
The ideal bereavement caregiver (whether it is a friend, family member or someone who has chosen caring for the bereaved as a vocation) becomes a compassionate companion to the grief-stricken person.
A compassionate companion’s role is not to give advice, nor to try to cheer up the bereaved. Neither should he or she attempt to fix them or find solutions. They never, ever judge the bereaved. Instead they quietly listen on a heart level, and interjects only when necessary.
The compassionate companion provides a safe place for the grief-stricken person to find a sanctuary in the midst of the raging storm.
“So there is no way to apply systems, rules or emotional road maps. Our job is to be a presence, rather than a saviour, a companion, rather than a leader, a friend, rather than a teacher.” - John Welshon2
The Companioning Model of Bereavement developed by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, includes this advice: “Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading. Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analysing with the head. Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words. Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about directing those struggles. Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.”3
“Quiet and sincere sympathy is often the most welcome and efficient consolation to the afflicted. Said a wise man to one in deep sorrow, ‘I did not come to comfort you; God only can do that; but I did come to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your affliction.” - Tyron Edwards4
I recently heard a story about a little girl who came home late. Her mother made the expected irate parent’s demand to know where she had been. The little girl replied that she had stopped to help her friend, who had fallen of her bike, and it had broken. “But you don't know anything about fixing bicycles,” her mother responded. “I know that,” the girl said. “I just stopped to help her cry.” Being an effective bereavement caregiver is not about “fixing” a bereaved person, it’s about being with them, and helping them cry.
My life is filled with sorrow,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say "My Friend, I care."
- Unknown (Abridged)
Both the love they feel and the pain of separation are present tense feelings so when talking with a bereaved person about the one who has passed away, try to speak of them as if they have walked into another room or gone to another country. The idea of remaining connected with their loved one will soften the pain of separation, particularly when there has been a sudden death. By taking this more compassionate approach I am not encouraging the bereaved to be in denial of the fact that their loved one has died, instead I am trying to ease their anguish by helping them remain emotionally connected to them even though physically they have been torn apart.
In times past, people in the funeral industry and emergency caregivers would talk about the person as “the body” or “the deceased”. The person who has passed away has a name and should be called by that name. You may need to ask the bereaved what is the name they call their loved one. (For example in Australia people tend to change names from David to Davo or John to Jono, Margaret to Margie etc.) Make sure you use that name.
Never underestimate your presence even if you don’t feel like you are actually doing anything constructive. The presence of a sympathetic, compassionate caregiver in the room where people are grieving is invaluable. We carry calmness into the chaos, peace into the pressure, and serenity into surreal. We make ourselves available in an unassuming way. Even if all we do is listen to them we are making a significant contribution towards the healing of their broken hearts.
Megan Divine lost her husband in a swimming accident. She has since dedicated her life to being a grief advocate. In relation to bereavement caregiving she says, “Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend's life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.”5
1. Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life by Henri Nouwen,. Publisher: Ave Maria Press; Revised edition 16/04/04
2. Awakening from Grief: Finding the Way Back to Joy by John Welshon, Publisher: New World Library; 2 Sub edition 1/08/03
4. http://www.quotes.net/quote/37915
5.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html