Do we really have to say good bye, let go and move on?
“As if the shock and the sadness that followed weren’t enough. They then said I had to let him go. How can a mother let go of a child she had carried in her womb and nursed at her breast? The idea was ludicrous.” Name Withheld
There are some popular phrases that are often used when people are trying to help a grief-stricken person come to terms with their loss. Some of them are “letting go”, “moving on” “saying goodbye” and “finding some form of closure”.
Letting go:
It is often said that the bereaved person needs to let go of their loved one. I recently attended a funeral where we were all given a bookmark with a photo of our friend and a poem that read, ‘Love me but let me go.’ I disagree with the idea of letting someone go. How can a person let go of someone they love? Whilst they need to need bravely face the fact their loved one has passed away, they still need to remain connected to their loved one in some form or another.
I am not suggesting that people become delusional and remain abnormally connected with their loved one as in the case of Queen Victoria who would lay out Prince Alberts clothing every day after his passing expecting that he would appear and everything would be normal again. Instead I recommend that our relationships with our loved ones that have passed away takes on a new dimension – one where they remain in our hearts and minds forever.
Our hearts are not designed to suddenly disconnect itself from a meaningful relationship. When someone we love has gone, whether self-inflicted, accident, homicide or by natural causes, our love for them does not suddenly switch off. Although they are no physically longer here, we can still treasure the love we have for them in our hearts. Besides, remembering happy moments and precious times prevents us from feeling like they have gone far away forever.
Moving on:
After thanking people for their love and support after her son suicided, Sheila wrote, “…but their world didn’t grind to a horrific, catastrophic halt on April 5. In fact, their lives have kept moving steadily forward with tasks, routines, work, kids, leisure, plans, dreams, goals etc. But my life is changed forever.” The adjustment to life without her son has changed her to the extent that she said “Sheila has gone. I am never coming back. I will never be the same again.” The pain in her heart is accentuated because people started saying it was time to move on.
Moving on insinuates the person has completed their grieving and must then get on with their lives. There is an expectation that once the funeral is over, the bereaved needs to then pick him or herself up and continue on with their lives as if nothing significant had happened.
Someone somewhere coined the idea that grieving takes two years and then it’s time to move on. Obviously that someone never lost a partner or a child. Those of us who have lost loved ones know it doesn’t work like that. Yes, we do have to carry on with our lives, but it’s more like a crazy rollercoaster ride than a smooth transition. Some days we feel like we are doing okay and other days we will be paralysed with sadness. Even years later, although the intensity of the grief has subsided, memories come flooding back and our hearts ache to see our loved one again.
Whilst I encourage people to not remain stuck in a season of acute mourning but look ahead and move into their future, I do also recommend they do so with their loved one tucked safely in their hearts. No one needs to ever move on and leave their loved one behind.
Saying Goodbye:
My first book on bereavement was entitled “Goodbye”. I, like many of my peers in the field of bereavement counselling, believed it was important to farewell our loved ones in a very final way. The funeral was part of the farewell ritual. But one day I realised that a bereaved person may not necessarily want to say goodbye. Their loved one has been abruptly torn away from them and the last thing they want to do is to say goodbye. Therefore I prefer to encourage people to focus more on adapting to the loss as opposed to expecting them to say a final goodbye.
Besides, how can we say goodbye to someone who will forever remain in our hearts?
Finding some form of closure:
In a way, discovering the body or learning the cause of death helps with processing loss, however I do not believe the human heart is designed to just close off the part that loves.
“Love endures death. The loss of a significant loved one is something that is not gotten “over.” Words like “closure” may evoke anger and hostility on the part of the bereaved. Things (doors, lids, bank accounts) are closed. How, then, does closure apply to a relationship that was, is, and always will be significant?” - Karen Carnney1
“We have also witnessed a shift away from the idea that successful grieving requires ‘letting go’ of the deceased, and a move towards a recognition of the potentially healthy role of maintaining continued bonds with the deceased. …There has been a movement away from the idea that successful grieving requires ‘letting go’, with writers such as Klass, Silverman and Nickman (1996) offering an alternate approach where they argue that after a death bonds with the deceased do not necessarily have to be severed, and that there is a potentially healthy role for maintaining continuing bonds with the deceased. This idea represents recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship. Rather than ‘saying goodbye’ or seeking closure, there exists the possibility of the deceased being both present and absent.”2
With regards to moving on and leaving your loved ones behind, C. D. Anthony says, “For many, this is the biggest roadblock of all. This is the epitome of adding insult to injury. Someone you love, and would have, in a heartbeat, given your life for, has been abruptly and unapologetically ripped from your arms and from this life. And now you're supposed to just be concerned about you - heartlessly leaving your loved one behind? However, what if you're not leaving your loved one behind? What if instead, the real objective is making a warm and comfortable place for your loved one in your heart - to bring your loved one along for the ride? What if your new life's purpose became to ultimately take up a mission that gives greater meaning to your loved one's life and everything that life stood for? And what if what your loved one wants for you more than anything is to see you get unstuck - and to be able to see you smile? What if, instead of leaving your loved one behind, as in the case of survivors I've helped, this became the epic shift that even more permanently seals your two hearts together for the annals of time?” 3
1. http://psychcentral.com/lib/grief-healing-and-the-one-to-two-year-myth/000375 2. Christopher Hall MAPS, Director, Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, http://www.psychology.org.au/publications/inpsych/2011/december/hall/
3. http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/tips-dealing-depression-after-death-loved-one#.Uqid40s1Nfk.email