Communicating with a Bereaved Person
“People do not always need your advice.
What they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart that understands.”
- Unknown
Since a major part of your role will be listening to grief-stricken people, you are going to need to become a good listener.
You can improve your listening skills by:
Being warm and caring in your attitude.
Respecting their views even if they differ to yours.
Refraining from giving your opinion or advice unless requested.
Staying focused and being attentive to what the bereaved person is saying.
Not having any distractions when they want to talk (i.e. turn off TV, radio and phone).
Not interrupting.
Stop talking yourself, and let them speak.
A person needs assurance that you are tracking with them as they speak so respond with plenty of nods and ‘ahas’ and smiles.
One of my clients said that she didn’t contact her friend, who had lost her partner, because she was frightened she’d say the wrong thing. I understand her hesitation. I used to be worried I’d say the wrong thing too.
In our society we tend to respond to a grief-stricken person with clichés. I humbly admit, I’ve used some unsuitable clichés myself before I understood what is appropriate and what isn’t appropriate.
Some inappropriate clichés are:
“It must have been God’s will.”
“I understand.”
“He / she led a full life.”
“He / she had a good innings.”
“He / she is in a better place.”
“God never gives you more than you can handle.”
“You are strong – you can handle this.”
“God took your child home because He loved him / her so much.”
“Only the good die young.”
“It must have been God’s time for him / her to go home.”
“Time will heal your pain.”
“Just think of all the other things you can be thankful for.”
“God will turn this into something good, if you'll just let Him.”
“Now you have an angel in Heaven.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You can always have another baby.”
“Obviously your faith wasn't strong enough.”1
Not long after the loss of my brother, someone told me that if we had more faith my brother wouldn’t have lost his battle with cancer. I was so angry wanted to box him on the nose! Instead, I bit my tongue and chose to not engage in any further discussion with him. I was raw and very emotional. Instead of imposing his opinion on someone who was feeling so vulnerable, it would have been far more ‘Christian’ to say something like, “I’m so sorry for your sad loss” or “How can I help you?”
Inappropriate trite comments and clichés do not help a bereaved person, but actually accentuates their pain.
Here are some appropriate things you can say to a grief-stricken person:
“I’m truly sorry for your sad loss.”
“I’m here for you.”
“It’s so hard to understand, isn’t it?”
“If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, mine is available.”
“What can I do for you?” (And then perhaps make some suggestions)
Open questions such as “so how are things for you at the moment?” or “what’s happening for you right now?” are ideal as they give the bereaved the opportunity to steer the conversation in the direction they are most comfortable.
Not long after losing her son, Tanya Lord set up ‘The Grief Toolbox’ which a website that offers tools to help people along the grief journey. In relation to communication with the bereaved, she gives some good advice:
Say, “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I am here to listen” instead of “I know how you feel.
Say, “It’s okay to feel what you are feeling” instead of “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
Say, “I’m here to listen for as long as you need” instead of “You need to move on.”
Say, “What is your loved one’s name?” instead of “What was your loved one’s name.”2
I remember at my Dad’s funeral a number of people came up to me recounting of some of the thoughtful things he had done for them. I had no idea that he had touched so many people’s lives by his kindness. I greatly appreciated hearing these stories. Therefore, if possible encourage people to share their special moments and happy memories.
I love the way at some funerals there is an opportunity for people to share their memories publically with the mourners. When I have the honour of officiating at a funeral I encourage my clients to include this as part of the service.
A form of conversation that is suitable when talking to a bereaved person is called ‘reflection’. Reflection is taking something from what a person has said and relaying it back in a comment to encourage them to open up their heart. An example of this is: “I’m so upset. It’s just not fair. Why did he have to die so young?” The reflective response would go something like this: “Yes, he was so young, wasn’t he?” “You must be feeling really upset.” “It all seems so unfair, doesn’t it?” (Note that the response included three words that was said (young, upset and unfair) to keep the conversation active, and to assure the person that they were really listening.)
It may not be an easy time for you, as you may be reminded you of your own losses. It is not usually appropriate for you to share the details of your personal grief journeys with the bereaved person except to say something like, “I've been through a similar experience myself when I lost ____”. Unless they ask you to share your story, try to refrain from saying too much. If your own grief resurfaces, you might feel the need to talk about it, but make sure you choose someone not directly affected by the recent loss. Remember you are there for the bereaved person, not yourself.
The way to communicate effectively is to communicate on a heart level.
There are four levels of conversation:
Clichés:
A cliché is a trite expression, often a figure of speech whose effectiveness has been worn out through overuse and excessive familiarity. I already listed a number of inappropriate clichés. If a conversation revolves around clichés, it will not go very deep.
Small talk:
This is when a conversation is based on what, when, why, who, where etc. Examples are, “Hi, I’m Del, what’s your name?” “Do you live in this town or here on holiday?” “I’ve seen you in town, do you work at the Council?” These are certain ‘safe’ topics that people usually make small talk about. The weather is probably the number one thing that people who do not know each other well choose to discuss. I used this form of communication a lot when I worked in retail. It was a good way of connecting with my customers. A bereavement caregiver will not be very effective if they only engage in small talk with a bereaved person.
Opinions:
This is when a conversation moves from small talk into sharing ones values and opinions on a topic. Examples are, “I see that John Smith got in as Mayor. I like his policies on sustainability” and, “I think the new minister at the church will connect well with the youth.” When a conversation reaches that level it opens it up for a deeper discussion. However it is still not deep enough to be effective when helping people during their bereavement journeys.
Close heart-to-heart connection:
This is when a person opens their heart and shares their feelings. An example of this is, “Each time I go to a wedding it reminds me of when I got married all those years ago. Jim passed away a week before our golden wedding anniversary. Oh I miss him so much.” When a conversation reaches this level feelings and emotions come into play. This is the level that you will need to communicate with a bereaved person and it takes a skilful bereavement caregiver to direct a conversation to this point.
1. Thank you to Jo Hilder, author of ‘What not to say to People with Cancer’ for some of these clichés