An Emotional rollercoaster
A number of years ago I did something I wouldn’t normally do. I went on the Scooby Doo rollercoaster ride at Movie World. I have never been so frightened in all my life. Suddenly, without any warning we would be flung sideways or whizz around corners we couldn’t see because we were in pitch darkness. At times the cart reversed at a ridiculous speed as evil creatures mocked us. I kept yelling “Stop it” and “Let me off” in between my terrifying screams. When it comes to bereavement there will be times when the grief-stricken person will want to push the stop button. They will wish they could turn back the clock to how things were before the tragedy. But sadly, things will never get back to ‘normal’. They are going to have to travel the best they know how through this sad and frightening journey.
Evelyn started having panic attacks after the loss of her husband. One time she was at the checkout at the supermarket and suddenly her world started spinning and her breathing became rapid.
She could not manage getting her money out of her wallet to pay for her groceries and forgot where she parked her car. Thankfully she understood that it was part of the grieving process and reached out to her friend Carol each time it happened. Over time, the panic attacks became less common.
Rachel was shattered when a well-meaning friend said, “It must have been God’s will to take your mother home to be with Him.” He didn't want his mother with God—he wanted his mother here with him. So he became angry at God. It was not fair! Why did God allow this to happen?
Margaret had relied on her husband for everything. She hadn’t needed to learn to change a fuse, check the oil in her car etc. Suddenly, as a senior woman she had to learn all these things by herself. This made her feel very anxious.
Bereavement ushers in a whole host of mixed emotions. Even out-of-character behaviours may surface when someone is grieving. You may find relationships becoming strained, normal everyday tasks hard to do, and decision making extremely difficult.
Whereas in times past you have felt confident and capable, you may find that sometimes you feel overwhelmed with dread. You may find their strength is diminished, and even small things like washing the dishes seem too much to cope with. All of these reactions to grief are perfectly normal. You may even feel at times that your whole world is spinning out of control and you are losing your mind. These feelings are very common.You are not going mad.
Iris Bolton lost her son to suicide. She now helps other parents traveling the same painful journey. In her book she wrote, ‘The most common phrase heard from the newly bereaved is. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”’1
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross initiated the notion of five stages of grief which she believes are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This model is widely promoted amongst our profession, however I personally strongly disagree with her theory. Mourning the loss of a loved one is far more complicated than five stages. Identifying five stages attempts to package a complex grief journey into an easy-to-explain process, which is definitely not the case. I am yet to meet anyone who had ticked all the boxes presented in this model.
“Perhaps the stage theory of grief caught on so quickly because it made loss sound controllable. The trouble is that it turns out largely to be a fiction, based more on anecdotal observation than empirical evidence. Though Kübler-Ross captured the range of emotions that mourners experience, new research suggests that grief and mourning don’t follow a checklist; they’re complicated and untidy processes, less like a progression of stages and more like an ongoing process—sometimes one that never fully ends.” - Meghan O’Rouke2
Larry Churchill is concerned Kübler-Ross’ theory promotes expectations of a progressive stage model. “We feel frustrated, cheated, or that we have failed if this does not happened. We become obsessed with the stages as normative protocol we are treating dying as a technical problem.”3
Since Kübler-Ross’ model was published others have created their own ‘stages’ theories. You can now find 3, 7, 8. 9 and 10 stage models of grief. All of these stages are in fact expressions of grief, however a bereavement journey doesn’t happen in stages; rather its better described as a chaotic, unpredictable, senseless season with no expectations attached.
“Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss.” - Hospice Foundation of America4
There are numerous emotions people experience when trying to make sense of their tragic loss. They differ in levels of intensity and duration, and there is not any particular sequence.
Here are some emotional responses that may be experienced when a person is going through a time of extreme grief:
Emptiness
Thinking “It’s not fair”
Confusion
Fragile
Sadness
Helplessness
Disorganization
Dysfunctional
Isolation
Feeling overwhelmed
Regrets / guilt
Disappointment
Anger
Revenge
Panic
Frightened
Anxious
Heavy oppressiveness
Pining / yearning
Distorted thought patterns
Hallucinating their loved one
The emotions and behaviours mentioned (and no doubt there are many more) are perfectly normal under the circumstances. Losing someone very precious is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and most people simply do not have the emotional capacity to deal with their heart-rending loss.
Some may experience quite a few of the emotions mentioned while other people may relate to one or two of them. These emotions can occur time and time again with varying levels of intensity. We are all unique and cope with our losses in our own personal way.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Underlying these emotions is an intense yearning for your loved one. Researchers from Harvard Medical School and Yale University School of Medicine found that yearning was the strongest negative emotion after loss. “Yearning is reacting to the loss of someone or something, and once that is gone, you miss it, you pine for it, you hunger for it, you crave it. That was the primary emotional experience after bereavement” wrote Holly G. Prigerson, one of the researches.5
You will need to brace yourself for what I call ‘grief attacks’. These are those moments when suddenly out of the blue a wave of grief suddenly hits you. This can happen at any time for no apparent reason for years following the loss of a loved one. They can also be triggered by sights, smells, voices and dreams. These are not to be confused with panic attacks. These are not setbacks but a normal part of the grief journey. You will need to have a strategy to deal with these such as concentrating on slow deep breathing, choosing to replace the disturbing feelings with happy memories, and phoning a friend.
1. My Son my Son by Iris Bolton, Bolton Press Atlanta, 1995
2. http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2010/02/01/100201crat_atlarge_orourke
3. The Human Experience of Dying The Moral Primacy of Stories over Stages by Larry Churchill, Soundings 62: 24-37.
4. http://www.hospicefoundation.org
5. http://www.boston.com/news/health/blog/2007/02/yearning_not_de.html