THE MAIN NEEDS OF BEREAVED PEOPLE
“He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.” Turkish Proverb
The main needs of a bereaved person are:
1. The need to feel safe
There is no way of predicting how a person will react when they receive the news that a loved one has passed away. Shock is the most common initial response. In another article I address a number of normal reactions that people experience when suddenly plunged into shock. Although I list a number of responses, I also emphasize the fact that there is no right or wrong way to respond. We all react differently, and that’s okay.
Friends and family usually provide the grief-stricken person with a sense of security they would not otherwise experience if they are alone. If they are all effected by the loss, they usually comfort each other.
It is recommended to give the person in shock some form of human touch such as hug, a hand on his or her arm, or by holding their hand. This will give them an immediate feeling of consolation. A twenty second hug releases the bonding hormone and neurotransmitter oxytocin. Oxytocin decreases the level of stress hormones (primarily cortisol) that a body manufacture when faced with trauma, and lowers one’s blood pressure.
“If there's a most appropriate time to communicate via touch, it's probably when someone needs consoling. ‘Research shows that touch is the best way to comfort,’ says Guerrero. If you ask people how they'd comfort someone in a given situation, they tend to list pats, hugs, and different kinds of touch behaviours more than anything else.” - Rick Chillot1
A person who is in shock will often start shivering and may need a blanket. This will provide them with a sense of comfort and security. Cuddling a lovable pet has a similar effect.
2. The need to know they have support
The second most important need for someone who has lost someone close, is to have a support network.
The word ‘grieve’ stems from a Latin word that means ‘to carry a heavy burden’. The old saying that “a problem shared is a problem halved” is pertinent to bereavement caregiving. Having a caring person to journey alongside a grief-stricken person will ease their pain and lighten their load. The words of the song by Bill Withers “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on”’ adequately describes the role of a competent bereavement caregiver.
In the past, the concept of bereavement caregiving was unheard of as it happened organically within communities. However, these days there is a great need for bereavement caregivers due to the breakdown of strong family connections. This is due to a number of reasons including the fact that many people live some distance away from their families. Even when families are close, many people are emerging from several generations of people who have failed to recognize the need to embrace bereavement, and therefore are not emotionally equipped to effectively help each other process their losses.
Bereavement caregivers provide a style of caring that I call ‘compassionate companioning’ whereas they support the bereaved person until he or she feels strong enough to walk confidently into his or her future without assistance.
Bereavement caregivers let grief-stricken people know they are available and then wait to be invited into their turbulent world. Some people will welcome us immediately after the loss, while others may require assistance further down the track. At the right time, we sensitively step into their life and become a calming presence and a trustworthy confidant.
Since most the support tapers off soon after the funeral, it’s important to let the grief-stricken person know you are available for the long haul. I encourage you to offer extra support to bereaved people on special days such as Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries as these days will often reawaken grief.
Hannah told me the pain of her loss didn’t hit home until she was filling out some forms and someone asked her who her next-of-kin was. She suddenly broke down much to the surprise of the person behind the desk. Another friend told me how much her heart ached each time mail came for her husband even years after he’d passed away.
The grief-stricken person will also need to encircle themselves with other caring people and various other support networks.
As bereavement caregivers we help individuals who were in a close relationship with a person who passed away, however in actual fact every person who knew the person is mourning the loss of an individual relationship, and each of those relationships is unique. Therefore we may be called upon to help friends, other family members, neighbours, school friends, workmates etc. of the person who has passed away. Even the lady at the local store is impacted when one of her customers passes away. Please do not dismiss their pain just because they are not family. People who witness a death and palliative caregivers also need our support. These people are sometimes overlooked, but they need our care just as much as the close friends and family members.
3. The need to express their feelings
A bereaved person will need to get in touch with his or her feelings and then talk about them. Although many people do, it is not in their best interests to bottle up their emotions. Human beings are not designed to internalize emotions, particularly the intense feelings associated with grief. These emotions need to be expressed otherwise there is a risk of further complications further down the track.
Although our culture has in the past encouraged us to keep a stiff upper lip whilst mourning, thankfully attitudes towards bereavement have improved over the last few decades. Gestures of sympathy such as hugging and releasing of sadness through crying, (even in public), have become more socially acceptable in recent years. This is perhaps people are more aware of how important it is to express grief, not supress it.
4. The need to tell their story
A grief-stricken person will need to talk about what happened, and how they are feeling. Sometimes they will tell the same story over and over again. This will help them clarify their thoughts and address their feelings in a safe way. Be patient with them. Repeating their story is a healthy way of processing their sad loss. Ensure you listen attentively with genuine compassion.
Several years ago I watched a program on television of a father of three murdered children. He was reflecting on what life has been like after the tragedy. His main piece of advice was; “Talk about an issue, never push it down.”
5. The need to feel validated
The heart of grief counselling, according to Dr. Kenneth Doka, is validation.2 Validation is basically someone coming alongside a person and saying, “It’s okay.” Grieving people need reassurance that what they are experiencing is actually normal for someone who has lost someone so precious to them.
6. The need to be included in decision making
Someone who has lost a loved one will have a number of decisions to make. You are there to support them, not to take over. It’s their loss, so it’s their call how things will flow. You can gently make suggestions if necessary but please never dis-empower them.
Also please never try to persuade the bereaved person to grieve the way you think they should be grieving. It is usually inappropriate to discuss your personal views of the after-life with them, unless invited to do so. It’s not a time to preach or indoctrinate them. It’s a time to listen, love, and care.
You may need to protect the grief-stricken person from people who say inappropriate or hurtful things. You will also need to be aware of unwelcome advice-givers who try to interfere with their ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’. Discourage the grieving person from following other people’s recommendations without thinking things through thoroughly.
1. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201302/the-power-touch
2. https://www.researchpress.com/authors/140/dr-kenneth-j-doka